He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
