I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
