I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I only lived at night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Randomize
