i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
