Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
