I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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