i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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