i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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