Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
