I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
