dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
