hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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