Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
