She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
