i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
