i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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