Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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