I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
