I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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