i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
