I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
