I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
