I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
