your parents love me but you hate me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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