I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
