M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
