so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
