Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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