I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
