omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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