I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have surprise drugs for everyone
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
