Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
