i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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