I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
