I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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