Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
