I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
