On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
