her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
