i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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