You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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