so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
