the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
