no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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