3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
