Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
