Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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