i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
