I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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