never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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