EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
