Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
