So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
