I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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