the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
