I hate your face
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
