when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
