I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
