just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
