I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
